I said I was going to be more motivated, more interesting, post more, give insight to blending a international family, adoption topics.....What did I get myself into? I must have been sleep deprived.
I have not been interesting, clever or insightful. I'm tired, unmotivated, sleep deprived and lazy..How is this ever going to work? I can't seem to stay on task to boil water, how the heck am I going to write and be entertaining?
I have plenty of ideas, I just can't seem to sit down long enough to make a complete thought. Hell, it's taken me 2 weeks just to finish this post...really no lie.
I can't blame the kids, or the hubby they are gone most of the day when I have time to do this stuff. I'M JUST NOT MOTIVATED!!! and I blame Sleep apnea, oh, yeah I said it. The new disorder of the year.... The new medical catch phrase. I missed the bus to Prozac and being bipolar wizzed right by me, but I grabbed hold of sleep apnea because I don't want to be left out ya know.
I really thought my doctor was kidding when he said I needed to go to a sleep clinic...Does he not know me? I'm claustrophobic, I have panic attacks, I don't do well in situations like that. There would be no way I was going to be hooked up to a machine with some mask blowing air up my nose. I can't even snorkel or hold my breath for too long cuz I think my brain might forget how to breath...to me breathing is very important, and most important of all is, me being in control of my air comsumtion. Call me a control freak but I like to know I have control of my air.
Well, what makes him think I have sleep apnea??I can't stay on task with anything...My mind starts racing and next thing you know I have 100 tasks started and none of them finished. I used to be organized. I used to drool over storage totes, bins, label makers, and tidy closets full of clothes hung in categories...first by fabric type, color, and then, long sleeve/short sleeve. All the hangers need to match and shoes lined up according to heel and color. I used to be a bit OCD....I liked that. I miss the pre apnea me.
Over the past few years or so I have found my motivation falling...I don't sleep good, I have high blood pressure...Someone my age..eh, um, thirty-something-ish...Shouldn't have out of control blood pressure...I'm on two different meds to control it....I have one of those old people pill dispensers so I can keep track of my pills....it's hot, all the 30 somethings are doing it.
So, I went to a pulmonary doctor to schedule a night at the sleep clinic. F*U*N....He read down a list of symptoms to have me answer yes or no. Some of the questions I would have never thought to be related to sleep deprivation, but OK. At this point I'm playing the game.
After he did his little calculations, he looks up at me over his glasses and begins to tell me that he is 100% sure i have a mild to severe case of sleep apnea and as a formality for my insurance to cover a machine that i will need to sleep with for the rest of my life, I will have to go to a sleep study. All I'm thinking in my head is me hooked up to something that looks like an iron lung.
Okay, i thought I was only sleeping with my husband for the rest of my life, not him and a machine blowing air up my nose. According to the doctor it will even have to go on vacation with us, it will have it's own badge so I can clear airport security with it. First things first, does it come in Louis Vuitton?? don't tell me I have to carry a bag that is not designer. You might as well be telling me that Nordstrom went bankrupt.
I did go to the sleep study. It was exactly as I thought it would be, stressful and weird. At about 10:00pm they hooked me up to 50 or so wires all over my body and proceed to tell me I needed to go to sleep and they would be watching me.....I freaked out with a panic attack. I called Brandon crying saying that I couldn't do it and I wanted to come home...I'm such a baby.....Being the good husband he is, he calmed me down and I told him I would be a brave girl and try to go to sleep while some stranger watched me.
The night seemed to go on forever. The tech came in at least 5 time to adjust my wire that had come unhooked over my eye. I don't think I ever went to sleep.
The next morning the tech woke me up at 6am asking me if I had a good night sleep.....I said, "no." he giggled. Apparently I did. Of course all I could think was, Oh God did I snore like a trucker?, did I scratch my self in places I only do at home? What must he have seen? Is all of this on tape?...I'm just that vain.
The conclusion to this drama has yet to unfold. The sleep study place writes up a report and sends it to the doctor and I have an appointment with him on December 7Th....so then we will know if Brandon and I will have a bed partner.....and not the kind he is thinking either.
If having sleep apnea has a silver lining, it would be that i don't have to go at this alone. My dear sweet mother in law is sharing in the misery with me. She happens to be a bit further along in her diagnosis and already is enjoying her machine...I'm totally kidding by the way. She is like me and likes to be in control of her air. I'm hoping she will one day call to tell me that she made it through the night and LOVES it....I know she can do it. I'm glad that we have each other to cheer on...XOXO!