12.12.2006


As a parent one of the worst things is when your children are hurt, sick, or sad. You want more then anything to wave your magic mommy wand and make things all better.

Lila is having the hardest time lately with her grieving. Her emotions are right on surface, and she is a emotional time bomb ready to explode and any given moment. I wouldn't say all of her emotions are related to grieving, she's a girl. She has girl drama most of the time. You ,the kind where the shirt isn't the right shirt, the shoes aren't the ones "she" had in mind.

We have tears at the least twice a day. But, lately it's a bit deeper. I have this feeling she has reached the point in grieving where she feels guilt to her foster parents for wanting to be here and for loving us. Her and I have talked about how your heart is big enough to love lots of people. Plus, we talk about how her foster parents miss her, love her, and are not mad that she is here. She seems to be understanding all of it. After we have one of our reassuring talks, she is better. But, the sadness is there and the worry on her face just kills me.


It's very hard to deal with her emotions, my emotions and everyone else's for that matter. I find myself getting short with everyone, not wanting to go places because I just know she is going to have total melt down at some point. i don't want to be the nagging fish wife or the mom that is snapping at her kids all time, but lately I feel like that. I try to get a handle on it, but by the end of the day I'm spent, she's spent and Brandon and Braydon are left with two bitchy girls.

We have reassuring dialog at least 5 to 10 times a day, which I don't mind, and i feel it's necessary to reassure her we are not going anywhere. We talk about how we all live in the brown house, mama, baba, brother, and how the green house (foster parents house) is far away. She says she likes the brown house and wants to stay here. She says she is my baby bear and baby bears stay with their mama's.

She has a HUGE loss she is dealing with, and i know with time it will not hurt as bad. Which now leads me to thoughts about what type of losses Ellie will deal with. Her losses won't be for foster parents, but more for a life she knew before us, the routine and comfort she felt by being in one place her whole life.
All I have to say is I hope Brandon and Braydon have lots of guy weekends planned.