8.30.2006

Abandonment is a strong word, the definition the same, the situation different, but the outcome can be a growing experience for all.

People that don't know me to well sometimes ask me about my mom and the relationship we have. Sort of assuming because I seem like a good mother, I must have had a good teacher. I can sum it up in a few words, we don't have one. It's not a bad thing either. But, it gets me thinking of Lila and I. I hope we never have the feelings between us, like I do with my mother.

Lila and I have more in common then meets the eye. I wouldn't say that our situations are the same, the healing maybe similar. Armed with the knowledge to help her heal someday is my goal. Taking from my own life experiences hopefully with help.

When I was 12/13 my parents were in the middle of a ugly divorce. I remember the judge asking me which parent I wanted to live with. He asked me to think long and hard about my decision. It took all of 2 seconds to answer his question. Hands down it was my dad.
We had to go back to see the judge several times to iron things out. It was a long and painful process.
I remember leaving the court room after the judge awarded my dad custody of my brother and I. My mom turned to me only to say,
"why didn't you chose me?"
All I could think was why would I chose you? You physically/verbally abused me, never showed love to me, unless it was for your own personal selfish gains. As we walked down the hall to the door with my dad, she yelled to me,
" Linda, you are dead to me now, I'm not your mother. Do you hear me?"
Some my say those words are from a desperate mother who loved her children. I say no. She was never loving, or put her children's needs before her own. If you knew her, you would know that I'm not being disrespectful.

From that day forward I have remembered that moment like it was yesterday. When people ask me about her, that is one of those things deep inside that comes rushing to the surface. Which in turn makes me feel ill, and just like that 12 year old girl again. I feel she abandoned me at that moment. She never looked back.

I have tried through the years to be the better person, I have attempted a relationship with her. I have tried to give her a relationship with my son. She has never seen Lila, or even attempted to see her. Each time I reach out to try, she says something horrible about me, about the past, or lies, to send me running the other way.

I have accepted that we will not have a relationship. She was by biological mother, the only thing she has ever done worth speaking of is give birth to Chris and I.

As for the real mother in my life, that would have been my Grandmother. She was (is) everything and more to me. If it hadn't been for her, who knows were I would be right now. I always said that she was put on this Earth to be my Grandmother, to watch over me until I could do it on my own.

I still believe that is true. She passed away when Braydon was 18 months old. She was able to see that I married a incredible man, She knew he would take care of me and keep me in check. She also was able to see I was the mother she knew I always could be.

Again, abandonment has many faces. As for Lila, I would like to think that her Biological mother left her at the hotel steps, only to give her the medical care and future she was not able to provide for her. We will never know what the situation was, but I know how she must have felt. (that story to come at a later time)

Lila someday may have the same feeling I too felt ablout my biological mother. Whether it be 5 years from now or 50 years from now. She will ask herself the same questions I did. Why would my mother not want me? What did I do to make her not want me? Was I not good enough? Does she still think of me? Does she still think of me as her daughter? Lots of question go unanswered in both of our situations. She will never have the opportunity to ask her biological mother, and I will never get a straight answer from mine.

We will do everything in our power to make sure she will never feel like that, but I really hate to say it, I think she will, no matter what we do. No amount of love, security, self confidence will ward off those questions. It is only human to feel the rejection of another person whether you knew them or not.

Just like I was able to help Lila grieve the loss of her foster parents with the experience of losing my own father. I will take from my own life again someday to help my daughter find her way. Unlike my own mother who abandoned me for not in hopes that I would find a better life, but for her to live hers.

Somewhere out there in China are several people who have been touched by one little girl. I want to thank them for caring for her while we were waiting for each other. Also, to let them know that she is loved by many and she has touched our lives in ways that I only dreamed of.