6.27.2006

Emotions, why must they keep creeping up.

You know when you go on a vacation an you have the time of your life? Then, when you get home all you do is think how wonderful it was and you want to go back?
I have had that feeling ever since we have been home from China. I want to go back. I loved it that much. I loved just about everything. I realize I was staying in 5 star hotels. I had the best of the best. I flew in business class, with first class accommodations. I shopped until I couldn't shop no more. To say it again, I loved it.

Is this something that happens to everyone? The need to go again, and again. We traveled with families that have been 3 and 4 times. My heart tells me YEAH!! But, my head tells me, Are you nuts? Will they ever agree?

I keep going back to the idea that I(we) want another child. At first I thought a boy between the ages of Lila and Braydon. Next I thought, What are you thinking?, Then I thought a girl the same age as Lila, basically twins. Is it the mother in me that wants to nurture someone?

I have followed message boards, looked at waiting child websites, read adoption blogs, all with the hopes of nailing down what it was that I thought I wanted. The whole time my poor dear husband just looks at me nodding his head and tightening his lips like he does when he is humoring me. I have showed him countless picture of adorable kids with varied degree's of special needs, and the entire time he just nods and smiles.

The emotions that were involved in this adoption were nothing like pregnancy or even child birth. I have not forgotten how I felt when they brought her to me in the civil affairs office. The rush of excitement, the fear, confusion, all of it good.

Is it a Child that I want? Or is it the thrill of the hunt? The excitement of another trip to China? I spent so much time paperchasing in the adoption of Lila, that I don't know if I know how to let go. It was gratifying, challenging, taxing to the degree of self destruction at times but, in the end the results were FABULOUS!!

Until I can get a handel on this rollercoaster of emotions, maybe I should just stop and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We have camping, Lila's first birthday (with us) Her first holidays, a tropical vacation planned, She still hasn't met my Grandpa, or her Grandma & Grandpa Johnson. There are still lots of firsts with her that we haven't even done. Is it fair to her for us to be consumed with paperchasing? Did I just answer my own questions????